“THE MARCH OF THE PENGUINS” (2005)

Written by Jordan Roberts (narration), Michel Fessler (screenplay) & Luc Jacquet (story/screenplay)
Directed by Luc Jacquet

Polly Staffle Rating: *

NOTE: If you or your child has stumbled across this review in looking for help on a school paper, just keep looking. Your child will most likely get a failing grade and either get suspended from school or at least detention if he quotes me. By the way, if you can’t see the humor in this review, you need to donate your computer to Goodwill and go live with a bunch of penguins out in the snow.

When a director makes a pornographic film, not only does it not get a theatrical release, the only awards it stands to win are AVNs. It doesn't matter how good the film turns out, anyone that watches it, is of course seen as a pervert and the director is a filth monger exploiting and degrading women. Make a documentary about pornography and you'll get shown in a few theaters. Don't plan on hoards of people flocking to see your film, even if it makes strong social statements about our society. It's not winning any awards either. However, when a director makes a pornographic film that exploits animals, it not only becomes the second highest grossing documentary of all time, but also win's an Oscar. "March of the Penguins" is no more than a hyped-up boring movie that makes you feel like you are back in your eighth grade science class.

People love this movie and I'm not exactly sure why. I did a quick online search and am amazed. "March of the Penguins" gets a 95 percent fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Roger Ebert liked it. Rolling Stone praises it. It gets four and a half stars on Amazon and Netflix and four on Blockbuster. Animal lovers like the movie and so do conservatives and religious groups, who usually dislike every movie ever made. I truly don't understand why.

The makers of this film want you to think it is about love. The tagline states, “In the harshest place on Earth, love finds a way.” The narration reinforces this. I beg to differ. The story is about sex. There is less of a plot then most adult films. “The People vs. Larry Flynt” was partially a love story and most people are too closed minded to see the beauty in that film. Because it is a bioepic on a pornographer, it is obviously filth. But a bunch of penguins having group sex is a family film, a good movie for kids and most of all a love story. Basically, “March of the Penguins” follows a bunch of penguins searching for a spot to do the “Wild Thing” Tone Loc style. They walk for 70 miles and find a cozy place. At this time they seek out a mate and get busy all up on each other in a huge mass. They then have offspring. Once the young can walk by themselves, the parents abandon them to fend for themselves. The coupled penguins also go their separate ways. Along the way, the cameras are rolling as penguins freeze to death and get eaten alive. How bout helping these guys out and building them a shelter? They obviously aren’t too smart or they would have left the God forsaken place they call home, built a place to live or perhaps not decided to set up camp so far away from their food source.

If I used this same formula to make a movie with humans, it would never receive a G-rating. I would be called the absolute worst names you could call a human being. Morgan Freeman would not narrate my piece. Even if it was a documentary and completely truthful showing the nature of a world gone wrong filled with people that only care for themselves. People have consensual sex everyday. Many times these are one night stands. Some people even have group sex with complete strangers just like the penguins. Children are often born from these situations. People also abandon those children and many others every day. They even goes as far as tossing them into dumpsters, toilets and various other places, sometimes already dead, other times to starve and freeze to death. Does this sound like the makings of the feel good sleeper of the summer, as some have called “March of the Penguins?”

Some conservatives have praised “March of the Penguins” as showing the ideal example of monogamy. The penguins are monogamous enough to have offspring and then separate from each other and their young. How the hell is that being monogamous? I’m not a religious person, but I am a strong supporter of monogamy. To me, it isn’t about having children. It isn’t about being with someone long enough to get them pregnant and have your child. Monogamy is about being with someone you love and giving yourself completely to them. If you should decide you want to have children, then so be it. But it doesn’t necessarily come hand-in-hand with being monogamous. Two homosexuals can be in a caring, loving, monogamous relationship and never create a child.

Christians say the film proves "intelligent design" over evolution. The director Luc Jacquet told the Sunday Times of London he completely disagrees. "For me there is no doubt about evolution," Jacquet said. "I am a scientist. The intelligent design theory is a step back to the thinking of 300 years ago. My film is not supposed to be interpreted in this way. Some scientists I know find the film interesting because it can be a good argument against intelligent design. People should not jump on these bandwagons.” So even the director thinks that talk is crazy.

Had I been flipping through channels and came across “March of the Penguins” and had nothing else to do, I may have thought this movie was semi-entertaining. To me these animals aren’t the least bit sexy. I can’t even tell a male penguin from a female or a homosexual from a transgender penguin. Maybe a film about giraffes would be more fun. From what I understand they have a fetish for golden showers. All I know is had I paid close to ten bucks and saw this at a theater, I probably would have demanded my money back and that’s something I never do, even when the film is really bad. I’m not sure why people like this film, but I will tell you why I can at least respect it. It’s a documentary and people flocked to see it. Not only that, they seem to have enjoyed it. This is a good thing and I can’t complain about that. With Michael Moore’s two successes and now this animal sexposé, maybe more documentaries can get decent releases. Who would have ever thought somebody that looks like Michael Moore and a bunch of penguins would kick that door open? I’ve seen a lot of great documentaries in recent years. Maybe now, more people will get a chance to see some of the great cinema in this field and documentaries will stop being treated as the movie industries bastard child abandoned to fend for itself.

In the mean time, I’m going to go to work on a movie about monkeys raping each other. Morgan Freeman will hopefully narrate it. Hopefully he doesn’t have a problem with lines like, “Look at them monkeys go. They love knocking boots and when the uptight bitches don’t want to give up the poon-tang, the males get scarier than those flying ‘Wizard of Oz’ monkeys.” I could bang this script out in an hour by myself. There were three writers who worked on “March of the Penguins.” I’m not sure why it took so many people, but hey, the Academy Awards gave the final product a big thumbs up, so what do I know. If I can’t get Morgan Freeman, I’ll get my dad to narrate it. They both have the same last name, so maybe no one will notice. Morgan Freeman seems to love doing narration work or perhaps its just we viewers love to hear him talk. Maybe instead of the monkey movie, I could just get Morgan Freeman to read “The Foot Book” while images of women’s feet play on the screen. Either way, I’d probably just be called a creep and nobody, but “perverts” would see either masterpiece.

- CCF, April 2006