“LES CHIC” (1972)

Starring Rene Bond and Ric Lutz
Written & Directed by Nick Phillips
Retro Seduction's After Hours Cinema

Polly Staffle Rating: **

Had Ed Wood continued to make movies, “Les Chic” is very much like something he would have directed. Near the end of his career, Wood got into the smut business. In 1971 he directed “Necromania: A Weird Tale of Love,” starring Rene Bond and Ric Lutz. The film was shot to play as a triple-x feature and as a less graphic softcore film that was four minutes shorter. Both versions were rarely seen by anyone and the film ended up being Woods’ last. “Necromania” was one of the early films in the career of Renee Bond. She began acting just the year before and it was her 12th appearance in a career that included 300 films. Just one year after “Necromania” she starred in the Nick Phillips’ porno “Les Chic” with, you guessed it, Ric Lutz.

Bond and Lutz aren’t the only reason I brought Ed Wood up. “Les Chic” is a poorly constructed excuse for a movie. It has no plot and there is not a single bit of dialogue. The whole story is told in narration - grandiosely written narration that babbles on and on about the meaning of life. The female narrator even rambles on as explicit sex unfolds. Obviously recorded at a different time than the footage, the whole audio track seems like it’s from another film. Nothing matches up in any way. The best example is a scene where a man and a woman are in the shower. Neither of the two are moving their mouths, yet an unintelligible dialogue exchange takes place and leads to the male voice doing a rendition of “Singing in the Rain” that would get him laughed off the set of “American Idol.” There's also a scene near the end of the movie that abruptly stops. The screen goes black and we are informed someone stole the crew's camera equipment and film. The voice also tells us to be sure and vote for our favorite politician to keep America safe. To top it off, the film has no opening or closing credits. It begins with the title only and wraps up with “the end.”

“Les Chic” is a look at a 1970's ladies man named Chic played by Lutz. He is a man of the future we are told by the narrator and in many ways he is. Chic isn't futuristic in any Ed Wood from another planet kind of way, he is just ahead of his time. He is what men in the 21st century will look and act like, we are told. There isn't anything too outlandish about him that he could be a villain in a “Star Trek” episode, Chic is just the first metro sexual. We follow him over the course of two days to see how he acts, walks and has sex. The film plays out like a “Leisure Suit Larry” adult adventure video game, only Chic is more successful than Larry ever was.

See Chic strut down the street in his snazzy pimp-like outfits. His colorful shirts and skin tight pants that seem padded in the rear often times make you question the man's sexuality.

See Chic pick up a girl with ease just by sharing his cigarette. He and Rene Bond’s character share a smoke so rushed I doubt either got any enjoyment out of it. Even if it was filled with hash, which is what we are told all cigarettes of the future will contain.

See Chic seduce the woman just by sitting with her on a playground swing set. In fact I believe the narrator used the word love to describe Chic's feelings for his new friend. From what I understand, eccentric narration was usual for all of Phillips' films. My guess is it was used so he could claim his movies were educational in nature and not the filth they actually were. Or perhaps he simply used narration to tie a hodgepodge of unrelated scenes together like Ed Wood.

See Chic have sex with his new lover, who makes sure to get her daily serving of protein. Take note Atkins dieters: We are told by the narrator that half a cup of semen has as much protein as a glass of milk, a slice of toast, a slice of bacon and a hard boiled egg combined. I don’t know if this is true or not, but Bond spits most of it out anyway, so she may have only gotten half her daily allowance. By the way, Bond supposedly is not cosmetically enhanced with silicone in this film but I have my suspicions. Her boobs actually seem a little butchered. If you look close enough, it appears there is scaring under and in the middle of her breasts and around her nipples. They also never flatten out.

See Chick and his new lady walk the streets of “porno heaven” for no apparent reason as folk music that reminded me of Bob Dylan plays on the soundtrack. Shot in San Francisco's peep show district we are treated to the sights of businesses advertising topless dancers, nude singers, adult films and more. Chick and his date do not enter any of the businesses though. I guess they think it is cool to pretend they like smut when in actuality they are hypocritical snobs thumbing their nose at pornography. Or maybe his date started to get jealous when they got there. Perhaps Chic isn’t the sensitive and understanding kind of guy we are told he is. What the hell was he thinking? I thought weirdoes like Travis Bickle from “Taxi Driver” were the only ones dumb enough to take a girl to see adult entertainment on their first date. Play it cool the first go-round and hold off on hitting up the strip clubs and porn stores till the second date.

See Chick and his girlie have phone sex. And remember, there isn't audio that matches what is happening on screen, so during this part, odd sounds of water and a female breathing heavy is all we hear.

See Chick stop and smell flowers en route to his next rendezvous. Men of the 21st century love flowers it seems. They also love wearing dopey silver dog collar chains. Chic never takes his off.

See Chick leave the room in the middle of a threesome to light up a joint and put makeup on. One, why is he putting makeup on? And two, is this the best time to do such a thing? Sure one of the ladies he is banging kind of looks like Dawn Weiner aka Weiner Dog from “Welcome to the Dollhouse.” Not to mention, Chic is more feminine than either of the ladies. But still isn't that kind of a mood killer? My guess is Chic likes to be pretty and all made up, but just doesn't like leaving the house that way because of the cruel outside world. That is what really let’s us know that this is no Ed Wood production. Had it been, Chic would have took a stand on his beliefs and came to terms with his preference for makeup like the tolerance pleading Wood classic “Glen or Glenda” about being a transvestite. The only interaction shown here about Chic's fetish is the film's final scene. He is passed out and the narrator explains that he fainted when someone called him a hippie communist homosexual. No worries, Weiner Dog and Renee are here to revive him with some oil, so they can “ball” him before the film closes.

Which brings me to... See Chic have sex over and over until he is worn completely out and bids us farewell - that's it “sports fans” he says. I guess if Viagra and Red Bull had existed the film would have kept going. Well, you’ve also got to figure in the cost of film. After one session of on screen lovemaking, the ever so trusty narrator explains that they kept at it for ten hours. I guess we only see the highlights though it seems Phillips has crammed every bit of footage he had into the final product.

All in all, “Les Chic” is an interesting watch. My biggest complaint is actually with the distributor of the DVD. If you forget at any point during the movie who to thank for bringing “Les Chic” into your home, a Retro Seduction logo remains visible in the bottom right hand corner of your screen through the films entirety. I sure hope they change this in future releases. It reminded me of the old VHS movies by Good Times Video and that’s not a good thing. Maybe with other DVDs they can have the logo pop up just off and on through the film like MTV’s does during its programming.

The biggest positive I found is the film is way less graphic than today’s pornographic fare. That should be a plus for the ladies, so you might be able to get your girlfriend or wife to watch it with you. However, if you're not into movies that aren't technically perfect, this probably isn't your cup of tea as those that dig Ed Wood will probably get a kick out of it. If you are into taking a peek at the porn your mom and dad may have watched back in the day, it's for you too. If you happened to have lived through the swinging 70’s, this will be a trip down wife swap lane giving you as much nostalgia as episodes of “Punky Brewster” gives Generation X’ers. If you are afraid you might see your aunt or uncle in one of the scenes, just look at it this way; it will give you a good ice breaker at the next family gathering.

- CCF, May 2006