“NUDE ON THE MOON” (1962)

Starring: Marietta, William Mayer & Lester Brown
Written & Directed by Doris Wishman

Polly Staffle Rating:**

Who would have thought that not only is there life on the moon, but people there are more liberated than those on Earth? As we know from history, Neil Armstrong was the first person to walk on the moon in 1969. Or was he? In Doris Wishman’s 1962 film “Nude on the Moon” two scientists build their own rocket and travel to the moon to find not only that it looks a lot like Earth, but everyone there runs around topless with skimpy shorts baring more than any Britney Spears outfit.

How did these two individuals go about doing this you ask? One of the lucky scientists just inherited three million dollars from an uncle who recently passed away. And why is it I’ve never heard about this and was taught Armstrong was the first on the moon? That’s because they didn’t call the press and they accidentally left their photos and samples behind. The moon is also covered in gold it seems. Although you could swear it looks like one of the scientists throws down one sample just to bend down and pick it up.

Oh don’t get too worked up and go rewriting any history books just yet, because by the time the film is over, the two scientists come to the conclusion that their not even sure if they were actually on the moon. Who knows, they could have been on Mars.

You’ve got to love Doris Wishman movies. They’re not quite on par with the Herschell Gordon Lewis classics, but she definitely gives Ed Wood a run for his money. The poorly done over dubbing is here as usual, as is badly written dialogue that you can’t help but laugh at. The opener works pretty well and seems heavily scripted, but once they touchdown on the moon, it’s mostly just nudity and very little of anything else.

This sci-fi nudie-cutie is about equal to the “The Bare Wench Project” type films that are made today. There’s not much plot because obviously there wasn’t a flushed out screenplay and there are more bare breasts than you can take in. The big difference is here all the breasts appear to be real, while today it’s kind of like the bags at grocery stores - all plastic. And like the nudie cutie films made today, it’s not really erotic and after a while starts to desensitize you to breasts, if there is such a thing.

For the ladies, there are a few extremely buff men wandering the moon. One scene is recognizable from Something Weird Video’s compilation preview of a guy in skimpy shorts doing something next to a tree that is very suggestive. There’s lots of homoeroticism here actually. When the two scientists blast off to the moon, you could swear they are getting a sexual charge out of it.

There’s also a love story of sorts. The scientists’ secretary (Marietta) has a huge crush on her boss, so much that she keeps an 8X10 photo of him in her desk. But he has no interest in her because he’s obsessed with his project. Once on the moon, he falls for the Queen of the Moon (also played by Marietta), though they never are able to communicate with each other because the people on the moon communicate through telepathy. Reluctantly, he heads home, only to find the secretary waiting for him on Earth.

Luckily, you don’t have to travel into outer space to have an experience like the two astronauts. The film was shot on location at a tourist attraction in Homestead, Florida named Coral Castle. The creation of Edward Leedskalnin, the moon hot tub, the secret rock wall gate featured in the movie and more still stand today. Leedskalni single handedly carved the coral as a monument to his lost love Agnes. You can even reserve it for events at www.coralcastle.com. The website says Leedskalni used to charge ten cents for admission. Now it will run you $600 a day. You would also have to supply the topless women yourself.

- CCF, February 2006